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“A couple of years ago, I made a decision that hurt my wife and I have never been forgiven for it.  No matter how many times I have tried to explain myself or tried to make amends, it still resurfaces and she uses it against me.  We are happy together in every other way and love each other very much.  How do I fix this?”

This is an interesting question as so often, we hear about ‘unconditional love’ and ‘forgiveness’.  Forgiveness is a healing process for both parties.  But it must not be confused with blind acceptance and ignorance to the reality of what it is to be human.  In the business of being human, there are some emotions that must be atoned for before a state of balance can be restored.

I am not a believer in ‘unconditional love’ per se.  In any relationship, there must be a balance of give and take for the relationship to be healthy.  If one gives more than the other, the relationship will suffer.  I do believe that unconditional love is dependent upon conditions of equilibrium within intimate relationships.  And of course, we all have very different perspectives on what it is to feel that.

In an ideal of unconditional love, there is a tendency to forgive too quickly without having emotions validated and atoned for.  In the more fluffy world of personal development, forgiveness at all costs is key in order to ‘move on’.  The hidden dynamic in this is that:

‘In forgiving you without consequence, I am innocent and you remain guilty’

It is an illusion to believe that we avoid participating in retribution by clinging to innocence, instead of doing what we can to confront wrong-doing.  If one partner insists on the monopoly on innocence, there can be no end to the others guilt.  In passively submitting to injustice, we actually sow injustice and very much fail to preserve innocence.  The wronged have an obligation to demand restitution and a right to do so.  The wronged have no authority in releasing the wrong doer from his or her guilt.  By the same token, the wrong-doer has an obligation to carry the consequences of their actions (Burt Hellinger:  Loves Hidden Symmetry)

The antidote to this is to restore balance in giving permission to the injured party to ask something from you that causes you hurt – but not as much.  If the hurt is more than the injured party experienced, then the wrong doer becomes the wronged.  For love and forgiveness to flourish once more, the hurt must be less for you both to move from exchange in harm to exchange in good.

Tell your wife: You can choose something or do something for herself that costs you almost as much as you cost her.

On a very personal level, and before I knew of the dynamics of guilt and innocence, my partner had done something to cause me pain some years ago.  I purchased a return flight for my Mum in England on his credit card.  He never paid another day

For a Life Gifted Twice

And in Honour of Botox, Bubbles and Red Velvet Gloves

Jacqui Lane

I love this weeks question………

“My relationship has gone stale and I don’t know why.  We’ve been married for 11 years and although we are each other’s best friend, we don’t seem have much passion left these days.  My concern is that I’m still only in my 30’s and my husband in his early 40’s – how do I bring back the spark?”

First, may I congratulate you for sharing 11 years together and still being each others best friend!!  No mean feat

When a marriage becomes depolarized, it can often mean that there has become a blur of the masculine and feminine energies in the relationship.  This is fine if it works for you. The compromise in this dynamic is the lessening of passion and this can cut straight to the core of who we are.

Passion is the drama between two people that lights our core, the very essence of what is to be a man and a woman.  It has a primary higher purpose, that of procreation!  When this is lost, there is a part of us that is shut down.  Let me explain…….

There are three fundamental relationship scripts that women play:

Lover, Wife, Mother. in that order.

In a relationship that has lost passion but remains great friends, it’s likely that the scripts of wife and mother are being played beautifully, but, the role of lover is forgotten.

When we forget to resurrect our script of lover, we’re in danger of doing three things

We shut down a part of ourselves
We become too available
We displace our men
Let me explain……As a lover, we are at our feminine core, ignited with spark, passion and radiance.  In the script of wife and mother, there is, necessarily, a compromise and sacrifice of self respectively.  In the script of lover,  however, there is a hint of unavailability, independence and of feline confidence.  Our men are reminded of their job – to hunt for us, to chase us and to bring their best to a game which is full of victorious promise.  When we give this gift to ourselves and our partnership, hierarchy is established within the family system.  We put our partner first, not our children and balance is restored.

The lovers script came first and should remain that way.  What you do as an intimate couple is, in fact, none of your children’s business.  By bringing this kind of intimacy to your relationship, you reignite and restore polarity, otherwise known as passion.  On a deeper level, children do not want to grow up being the centre of their parents universe as they fear this will limit their separation process when the time comes.  When children see that there is something more in their parents relationship than they have access to,  it gives them permission to be who they will become in the world, unrestricted (there are slightly different rules for blended families that include step-parents).

This one form of drama that I would wholeheartedly recommend!   Radiate in the drama of your feminine energy – it is a reunion of selfhood and one that is undeniably confident and attractive.

Thank you to the reader who posed this weeks question.  If you have a question, email askjacqui@jacquilane.com. We’d love to hear from you

For a life gifted twice
In Honour of Botox, Bubbles and Red Velvet Gloves

Jacqui Lane